You know, sometimes I think if I let myself go, I could have a serious gambling problem. I’m easily distracted by bright lights and flashy sounds. I love winning stuff. I love betting that stuff if I think the odds are good enough and that I might win more stuff. I love sitting and repeating the same thing over because it makes numbers go up. One time I spent $60 at an arcade on some Wizard of Oz machine, went into the casino, gambled $10, won $20, went back to the arcade, and spent said $20 on the same Wizard of Oz machine in the hopes I could win enough tickets for a prize. I did. I got a Litten toy that was probably worth $15, being generous.
This all leads me into this week’s backlog slog.
Cookie Clicker, for those that aren’t aware, is a browser based idle game made by an indie developer/devlish genious named Orteil. It can be played right here. Please don’t click this link until you finish reading this or you may fall down a rabbit hole which means that not only will you not finish reading this article, but you will not finish a lot of things. You will lose your very soul.
It’s an idle game, which essentially means, you work really hard to make this game play itself. I know! Ludicrous! That was my first cry too! You begin by clicking on a cookie, which gives you a single cookie. Once at a certain amount of cookies, you can afford a pointer which will automatically click the cookie for you, which will get you more cookies per second (cps), which in turn will let you purchase further upgrades, like nice Grandmas who will bake cookies for you to increase the count before they inevitably take over the world and shape the very fabric of the cosmos.
This is also a thing that takes place in this game.
It gets really weird.
There are also upgrades for each item, for example, instead of earning one cookie per click, you can start earning two!
I made the mistake of opening the game to actually write this review and as a result it’s going much slower than it should. I’ve had the game open for about half an hour. I have several Grandmas in my servitude but it won’t be long before they become the ones in control.
Perhaps they were always in control.
I’m certainly not, as a creature of habit who gets entirely too much joy out of seeing numbers go up and feeling like I’m achieving something.
I keep saying, ‘oh, I’ll just tab over to see how things are going’, then I spend another five minutes there.
Which is the other issue, idle games are, by nature, idle. You leave it running in the background, check on it every now and then, upgrade a few things, and resume whatever you were doing before. Not me! I find myself unable to tear away, watching the numbers, clicking until I develop early signs of carpal tunnel syndrome.
I look upon my army of Grandmas with satisfaction before realizing with utter delight I can increase the production value of my cookie factory. I do so, and wait until I can afford to buy another cookie mine (I briefly consider the lives of the brave men and women slaving away in my cookie mines, lamenting the loss of the last batch in an unfortunate cookie cave-in and having to tell their families).
I buy another Grandma.
I still keep clicking even though the production can’t compare to my various other resources, but it makes me feel better. Makes me feel like I’m doing something.
I reach 500 cookies per second and I feel proud. I’m really doing something meaningful with my life.
I consider scrapping this Backlog Slog altogether, as it’s getting in the way of my cookie production.
All of this is what you have to look forward should you, too, fall to the sweet, delicious trap of Cookie Clicker.
This isn’t a review so much as it is a warning.
I can’t remember what it’s a warning for. I’m too busy making cookies. The Grandmas are calling me. They say I can’t go out tomorrow. I have cookies to bake.