Review – Leisure Suit Larry: Wet Dreams Don’t Dry

Hey. You guys know I like you all right? That’s why I’m doing this review for you. I’m also doing it because recently, I went through the old Leisure Suit Larry games on a nostalgia trip because I was thinking about how much I loved the old graphics, in a vaporwave kind of style. I was originally going to ignore this. And I still wish I had. But I think the subtitle of ‘Wet Dreams Don’t Dry’, a parody of Swery’s cult classic, D4: Dark Dreams Don’t Die, managed to intrigue me. I was disappointed, finding out that the subtitle had very little to do with anything and was just kind of a random choice.

Disappointment is a feeling I felt a lot in this experience.

Disappointment is a feeling that is still lingering in my very soul.

And yet, I’m really not surprised by it.

I’ll walk you through my first 15-20 minutes of the game which is basically indicative of the entire experience.

First up, it takes you through the old style questions to prove you’re old enough to play the game. As a kid, Google wasn’t really a thing and so it had to be played like a weird American trivia based game of Mastermind, memorizing answers until I could pass and play a game I was too young to understand.

Now, it’s… Still kind of like that, but I do have Google, and so I don’t need to keep guessing answers to questions about American sport. Also, one of the questions was about Metal Gear Solid so like. Okay, I guess?

The game begins and I hear Jan Rabson’s voice, the original Larry who voiced him way back when. And it was kinda nice, actually. I was getting those sweet nostalgia feelings I came into this for. Larry awakes in a dark underground facility, comes up onto the street, dazed and confused. Where is he? What happened?

For a Larry game, this is actually pretty intriguing. Especially as I enter the old Lefty’s bar from the original game, find the titular Lefty himself, and it’s revealed Larry has been missing, presumed dead, since the 80s. What happened to him? Why? Who did this?

Remember the disappointment thing I mentioned? Yeah.

The game switches pace pretty quickly as I walk over to the single lady patron of Lefty’s and spark up a conversation. Larry marvels at the mysterious glowing box (smartphone) she holds in her hand, spouts out a bunch of bad pickup lines and instead of being completely disgusted as one would expect, she entertains him for a while (though still at least kind of disgusted).

This woman reveals herself to be a social media influencer. The kind of social media influencer a middle aged person who hates millennials writes about. She says things like “O-M-G” out loud, and various other pieces of youngster lingo. She takes selfies with her craft beer for 30 minutes. This is a gag. This character and all the gags around ‘haha millennials are ridiculous’ continues and I think, okay! Sure! This is just one character. Let’s continue and see what else we can do, here.

After this I take Larry into the bathroom. A grody, slime covered place. As a point and click adventure star, I think, let’s click around and see what useless crap I can pick up. I have Larry touch the slime covered walls and he comments on how moist it is. I nod. I click on the suspicious pile of pink goo on the floor and, despite gladly covering the goo covered walls, Larry suddenly refuses. He doesn’t want to touch this particular goo with his hands. I have to put toilet paper on a stick to wipe it up and get the smartphone concealed by the goo.

Similarly, Larry in this game refuses to rifle through trash cans, take bones from dogs (even when he has something to swap it with) and various other things some people would call common sense but I would call bad adventure game design. Especially when he’s all too willing to do other bizarre things and stick his hand in other places. I died electrocuting myself on an exposed wire, and yet, Larry won’t dive headfirst into a trash can. It’s hard to tell what’s up for grabs and what has to be plot activated or solved with items.

The smart phone turns out to be a prototype by the Apple of this universe. I take it back to their headquarters. It’s not subtle. Their logo is a vagina. Their headquarters is shaped like a dick. There’s a fountain on top. But then, Larry was never subtle.

I take the phone in and I’m immediately greeted with more ‘haha, those darn millennials’ humor in the form of two nerds/tech support lads. I take the phone back and almost immediately, the intriguing plot of Larry being missing for decades is replaced by the hot secretary of the boss that Larry now wants to bang and is the new goal.

To get there, you download a knockoff Tinder app because she won’t date anyone without it, and without a score on the app below a certain point. To raise your score, you have to go on dates. To go on dates is basically a long series of fetch quests and Zelda style trade quests, bringing someone what they want so they give you something that you can use to progress the chain and give the next person what they want.

Disappointment.

It’s like a video game made out of that uncle/acquaintance/co-worker you don’t spend a lot of time with, nor do you want to, but then you have to go to a Christmas do with them and sit at their table and you’re reminded just why you don’t spend more time with them as they talk to you about their sexual conquests or make inappropriate comments and talk about the good old days for hours while you’re trying to eat your roast dinner.

On the up side, the art is actually pretty gorgeous and the voice acting isn’t terrible, though can be a little hit and miss in certain places. So, you know. Little things, you gotta hold onto that.

Leisure Suit Larry: Wet Dreams Don’t Dry is available now for PC.

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