If you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise. No, not the Teddybears’ Picnic, but that might be nicer than what’s actually lurking in the shadows of Diablo 3 this week. We’ve herd rumours Sanctuary is suffering a bovine invasion, just in time for Blizzard to celebrate the game’s birthday!
The story goes: Townships throughout Khanduras are being overrun by “bipedal, bardiche-bearing bovine”, luring adventurers to the slaughter using “moosterious” orange portals.
Many of you have expressed fear. Some have asked if you should moov your families. To this we say: Hold fast. There is no cause for alarm. We’ve seen the so-called “evidence” being pastured around local inns and, after thoroughly investigating all reported sightings, can cowfindently state that this is nothing more than a clever hoax.
What this all means: There is no cow level. “Anyone who claims otherwise,” says Blizzard, “is full of bull and simply milking this terrible prank for all that it’s worth.”
Stories of this “moosterious” cow level – which clearly does not exist – have been circulating since what feels like the dawn of time, making its first appearance in Diablo II. It now looks like it’s come back for the sequel’s third
beefday birthday celebrations, and Blizzard is advising all residents to “steer clear” of the wilds.
It is also recommended that you avoid entering any strange portals that may or may not lead to alternate planes of existence. This activity cud be potentially hazardous to your health and, in the opinion of this humble civil servant, is a veally bad idea in general.
In the meantime, we urge you all to stay calm and remember that cows don’t kill people. Everything ELSE in Sanctuary kills people.
If you insist, you can find the extra condent by killing the Elite cow enemy Herald of the Queen, who randomly spawns inside Sanctuary. The Herald’s death opens a portal to Not The Cow Level, which contains an event, cows, a Cow Queen and a pile of chests to smash.
Not The Cow Level is accessible in Diablo III on PC, Xbox One and PS4 – if you’ve got the PS3 or Xbox 360 Ultimate Evil edition, you’ll still get double XP and bonus Gold.
beefday birthday celebrations are running until May 21st, so if you want to get into this, you’d better get a moove on!